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Dealing with pain from the past

 

Life can be so hard and hurtful. We spend a lifetime overcoming the past and our childhood. The ideologies of our parents and how they raise the next generations can be quite the challenge to overcome. How does one who was raised in a very loving but hard and at times violent world overcome it all? How is it we can learn love from parents that are violent to each other and to us as we grow up.  As I have embarked on this journey to break the cycle of violence not only in my life but my sons life as well. I realized something; it all starts with love and forgiveness of ourselves, through repentance and Gods forgiveness to us. Also for those who have hurt us as we are growing in the spirit and are moving through life’s ups and downs.

 

We first off are we victims with a victim mentality? That sometimes leads us in circles making the wrong choices. We sometimes think it is our fault that these atrocities happened to us. Somehow we think we deserved it due to our behavior, or our attitudes. But in reality this mindset is all because of how our parents and life events have shaped our minds and views of the world and life around us. 

 

When I was saved and baptized into a relationship with Jesus I had so many questions. If this invisible entity wanted me to trust him then where was he while all of the horrible times were happening to me and around me while I was growing up. Not to mention the men I chose in my life and all the events in those relationships as well.

 

I was so programed to be violent and fight my way through life. I was void of reasoning sometimes because of a reactionary mentality. My parents were raised this way living with a mob mentality. Their parents brought it with them to America and they raised my parents hard and rough as well. They raised their children who were also growing up to become desensitized to the violent ways going on in their lives, it was normal. Spare the rod spoils the child.  Being affiliated with the mafia’s mentality was a cruel world kill or be killed physically or mentality.  Stealing was a way of life in the mafia and so was murder.

 

Women were not to be heard from just drones to do as they were told to do. The motto in my home was: hear no evil, see no evil, and speak no evil, even as the evil was raging all around me. From the meetings to the shootings and even inside my own home there was no peace.

 

There wasn’t any regard for life or truth and real justice. If someone hurt you or their family member’s they would retaliate. They handled it either by causing physical harm to the offender, or death if the offense in their eyes warranted it.

 

So how does one over come this mentality?  When everything we have seen, heard and experienced through no fault of our own. By affiliation our parents and generations of the family’s mentality we have to overcome what we were taught.  We overcome by accepting Jesus, after all he died to save us not to judge us. We cannot do this on our own. As sin in Gods eyes is sin. No ones sin is greater than others. It’s all sin.

 

The programing I was taught was to be seen and not heard. So when I was molested I was told not to say anything, as they would not believe me anyway. This was false but as a child with no rights in parental and adult eyes, not to mention that families darkest secrets were washed under the rugs and not confronted or talked about. Everyone’s lips were sealed and the abuse continued with many others being harmed, as was I now we have more victims.  Next is how our parents treated us growing up. Were their attitudes loving and nurturing with kind words of comfort and love? The building of a young mind and character, or was their constant degradation of ones thoughts and actions and most of all to the way we stood up for ourselves when treated poorly.

 

When I was young and did not have an opinion or knew right from wrong I was loved. My parents at times were very loving kind generous and happy go lucky. But the under lying tone was do as I say even if I did not agree.

 

I was treated like a mindless piece of flesh that had to conform to the adults in my life. This worked until I became a teenager and started to go out in the world to hang out with my friends and their families. I saw how their parents treated them; I saw how much freedom there was in communication and the love and support of opinions when voiced. I wondered why was my family so different.

 

Well first off they had generations of loving parents

 

Their whole mindset was different. My friend’s parents raised them to be strong caring honest and truthful; to work hard get a good education, find love and have family’s of their own. They did not have to carry secrets of the Mafias lifestyle. Stolen loads, hits on people, the whole world I lived in depended on the next big score or heist or take down. I was trained to serve my father or husband cook and clean and to say nothing of events going on around me, do as I was told to do. I was 8 years old and did what I was told to do. As the loads arrived and were unloaded in to the basement; they told me to sort the stolen loads for each of them to take as the booty of the heist. All was divvied up and then I was told to leave the room while the adults were talking over business.

 

I don’t know but that was not how I wanted to be treated and I started to rebel and so the beatings to make me conform began. Once my own mind could choose between the truth and a lie I wanted out of my home and away from my parents by moving out or checking out as I tried to kill myself three different times as a child growing up. 

 

I did not know Jesus but He knew me. I would hear myself talking to myself mulling over the events and sorting the truth from lies out in my mind.  One day when I was twelve I was living in upstate NY watching satellite TV. That’s when Paul and Jan Crouch were on TBN talking about being born again and inviting Jesus into my heart. This is when I said the prayer to ask Jesus into my heart. Oh the pleadings to a loving father through a child’s lost and sincere heart. I prayed right along, I didn’t feel any different nor was I treated any different. But I do believe that the Lord put his loving protection and arms around me and helped me to deal and overcome the horrible things going on in my life and to me as a child as I became an adult.

My parents were becoming more and more violent towards each other and towards me.

 

So how does one overcome this type of mentality?  How does one overcome the teachings of our parents? The answer is we don’t unless we have a relationship with Jesus. Jesus is the only way to heal a broken heart and a dysfunctional mindset. 

 

I went through my entire adulthood until 30 years old making horrible choices. I was trying live the life I thought was good, honest and true. Really what the heck did I know what was real truth or honesty for that matter? How messed up I was in the way I was programmed and how I thought I had to deal with life.

 

After so many mistakes I made the right one by running away and taking my son with me.  We were outside of all the grips of the past. After my parents passed I was alone without family, as they had all turned their backs. Its ok now I am over it and have forgiven them all. I found a person and a father whose love was so pure and I finally learned the truth. My family could not help the way they raised me as for generations in their families they were raised the same way. Hard tough and in the family mindset of act first and deal with the fallout later.

 

I so craved a life I had never known. A life that was void of physical and mental violence. I wanted to know peace and a loving life for my child. I wanted to break the cycle of violence in my life and most of all in my child’s life.  I wanted my child to grow up being an honest loving truthful man with integrity. A man who would fight for his family and know right from wrong, and most of all not have a violent mentality towards his own family. I wanted my child most of all to know God and for him to raise his children in a nurturing home full of grace truth and most of all full of love for his family. 

 

Don’t get me wrong my parents loved me and its only through their love I am a loving caring human being. But the violence wrapped around it was confusing. My father had a great sense of humor and was the one I found peace and comfort from. My mom was a very loving person when I was a child as long as I did what she told me to do. As I became an adult I had to take a stand, as I was tired of lying to my father for her cover-ups. This caused a whole new mom to emerge.  One who could walk past me like I was not even there? I think this is an Italian trait. They have the ability to cut people out of their lives in an instant. I have pictures with missing people or their heads would be cut out of pictures. Quite crazy if you ask me I still have pictures and portraits of missing people or heads were missing.

 

To the world outside of my home she was loved beyond belief.  So how was it so different for me than the strangers that saw my parents differently?  I was their child but what I didn’t know until I was 17 that they really did not want to be together. I was the issue and reason they stayed together because of me. My father would not let my mother go off to raise me on her own as he loved me and did not want me out in the world without him. No matter how life was my dad loved me. Which in itself is very confusing and I looked for men like my father. He was fierce loyal loving funny and when needed deadly. I had no idea what true love was. My dad and I had a friendship and trust I have not found in any person but Jesus.

 

Changing was no easy feat, as Jesus had to change me first in order to create that person in my child. as I raised him on my own.

 

I had to dig deep into my own mind and with the help of the Lord to kill the demons in my heart I lived with first. I had to rebuild my foundation of one built on clay feet to Gods rock I stand on today. I had to be tired enough of the old me to be able to let the true new me out, and most importantly to let God in.

 

I had to know that the life I grew up in was not my choice but by birth I was thrust into it as I was born premature at 4 lbs. 6 oz. I felt if there was an option for abortion in the 60’s I would have been done away with as I was not planned or wanted. I finally figured out why my mom always made sure to tell me how I ruined her life.

 

“It was on account of me being alive she was stuck to my father”. In other words I had to forgive myself for being born. The truth was I was not a mistake to God, as he knew who I was from conception. I am learning how to deal with life’s situations and not react to them. I was so set on changing, what I didn’t realize is I couldn’t change my heart and mind or the personality I had evolved into. Only Jesus can change me, by bringing his love, forgiveness, and salvation into my life. By being saved and dedicating my life to God I asked him in to my life during those challenging times and letting his words into my life so that I could accept his teaching me how to deal with them on a new level.

 

I needed to remember all the horrible events including all I did during those events to be able to see right and wrong.  I had to squash anger, bitterness, and hatred of those who hurt me in my past. This was not easy as I had a grip on those emotions and felt justified to have them. I did not want to forgive them.  But I heard the Lord tell me early after I was saved, “You have to forgive them or I cannot forgive you of all you have done in your life that may have hurt others too”.

 

That struck a cord, as I didn’t see myself, as a bad person who needed so much forgiveness, boy was I blinded to my own pride ego and sin. I had to take the plank out of my eye first before I judged those who I considered offenders to me in my mind. Matthew 7:3

 

None of this change happened over night. In fact it took years of me being stubborn to release the anger that kept me going. The bitterness towards those I could blame for my failures. Most of all I didn’t want to love those who hurt me no less pray for them.

 

How far do we really want to go to be truly free? To not have a hateful bone towards anyone in our past?  After all once we release all of this whom do we blame for our lack success and our failures in life? 

 

We now have to take responsibility for ourselves and overcome and move forward leaving it all behind us for good. Bury it all in the grave and move forward to a new life. A life free from hate and to begin forgiving ourselves for the bad choices in our past and most of all claim those bad choices too.  I realized once I had forgiven those I thought hurt me beyond repair that forgiveness brings truth and I saw them all in a different way. 

 

The Lord worked with me night and day as I prayed night and day. I am surely glad God did not get sick of hearing me at times. I bet he was up in heaven shaking his head and laughing at some of my antics and the defeatist attitude I was trying to get rid of.

 

I have suffered from PTSD and lived with flashbacks during my life to this day if I hear a firecracker I still duck as gunshots were always going off around me as the occasion warranted it.  I was the one my father asked to go get the “thing” which was his gun, as he needed it. I have watched events I will never forget but can live with now under a different mindset and a healed heart.

 

Today I miss my parents and look back on the happy times we did have as the pain has been taken away so now I can see the good. Because the hurt is a distant memory by God healing my broken heart and replacing the pain with love, compassion, joy, hope and forgiveness only achieved in this mindset.

 

It is a life’s journey to not fall into pain or mull over the memories, as it will drag us back into a dark mindset.  It is our choice to move forward in to the light of a new beginning or go back to our pain, which will become dark again if we continue to see the pain and not the triumph of overcoming it all. Gods grace gives us the strength to see the memory but not feel its pain.

 

Through the dark days so many told me to pray. Pray what as the bible is big and at times was confusing. I wanted to be spoon fed right to the blessing and skip all of the work to become a free spirit.  It doesn’t work that way. 

 

As with any new experience or job we have to learn how to perform and excel. We just cannot walk in and think we know it all because we do not.

 

When I feel overwhelmed I go into prayer about it all. I don’t stop until I see a way out or I am given peace it will all work out.  From the beginning I did not know how to pray or worship. We have our standard prayers I grew up with from Catholic school. But they did not scratch the surface.

 

From 2000 on I was in a minefield void of direction hope and had no one to lean on but myself to care for my son. My father passed my mother had cancer and passed away I was trying to cope with it all and care for my son and myself no matter what was going on around me. 

 

I cried out to God in my pain disbelief and horror when after my mother passed after suffering for 2 years with cancer. I was now told I had cancer too. Was this it, all I’ve gone through to break out and now I’m going to die.  “I said to the Lord if you let me live I swear ill change”. I really did not know what I needed to change but said it anyway it just flowed out of my heart.  What I did not know is the Lord took that request and I began a journey that changed both of our lives

 

After my mom passed I was truly alone in the world. No family and one friend Roseanne. Once they diagnosed me I was angry scared and most of all I was in a fog about what would happen to my son who I just gave up everything for us to be free.

 

This was a hard time for us the details are in my first book From Hell to Glory. I will be moving on from the point of my son and I running away again. I have spent my life running from the brutal relationships I continually put myself in.  I’m not running anymore I will stand my ground and see the salvation of the Lord in our lives. As in 2nd Chronicles 20.

 

While my mother was battling cancer for two years at home I watched her dwindle to bones. I did not want to have this happen to me as well. The doctors said I had to have surgery or I may not make it, as my immune system was not fighting anything off.  It was so compromised and not functioning at all. I had the surgery I would never have any more children and I always wanted a big family. I had three miscarriages over the years I was thankful to have my little boy. It was mentally rough and weighed heavy on my mind and heart. I had to do it if I wanted to live to see my boy grow into the man I was praying to God for him to be.

 

During this time I was hearing in my mind “trust me for I know the plans I have for you” as in Jeremiah 29:11. I felt as though I was truly loosing it I am now hearing voices. What I did not know was that God was now in my life and He was guiding my steps.

 

During the two years my mom was ill, I kept seeing an ad in the paper for ocean front rooms on Folly Beach. After cancer surgery our home life was horrible.  Tim (Fiske was his name in my first book) passed in 2010 so I can use his real name now. Tim and I were still together under one roof and he was shooting drugs and drinking cases of beer a day. I had to get us out no matter what the cost so I ran away again after I could walk from the cancer surgery. You can read about him in From Hell to Glory. When Tim passed in 2010 and to my surprise and shock he accepted the Lord into his black heart before he passed of lung cancer.

 

After 17 days recuperating from cancer surgery once again I took my son and all I could carry in my van with one of our dogs RJ and ran away leaving my beautiful home on ten acres of land off of Lake Moultrie in Bonneau Beach, SC. 

 

I figured if we are going to be homeless it might as well be on the beach. On Christmas we went to check out the boarding house on Folly.  It was a flophouse but I fell in love with it. We paid for our room put all we owned in storage and moved in to our tiny new home. It was oceanfront room that my son and I shared the best part was we were safe and free. I started to work in logistics again so now I was able to have money for us to live a normal life whatever that was I didn’t know.  My health and back injury from 1984 was always plaguing me and I had to keep going pain and all to keep a roof over our heads and food in our bellies. Homelessness and hunger would not be our permanent place to dwell.

 

Looking back now I know that Folly Beach was where we were meant to be. The old time locals opened their arms and took us in. I felt at home for the first time in my life. I grew up on the beach as a kid and I knew how healing the ocean was for me. 

 

After my son went to sleep I would sit on the deck or walk the beach and cry out to the Lord. I needed answers direction and most of all I wanted to know why this life was so hard. I really was at an end I just needed a normal life whatever the heck that was I wanted it. 

 

In 2002 I was led to go on an interview for a local Real Estate company, to my surprise I was hired and this job was a turning point in our lives. We had income to start over. With in 8 months we moved into an apartment across from the beach and our lives began.

 

I made friends and my son met a teacher at school who would set him on a course for the rest of his life. This job lasted a few years and I went back to an industry I swore I would never go back to trucking and logistics.  This profession was always my fall back as I started in the industry as a teenager.    

 

I am telling you all of this to show how even if our lives are shattered.  Was I willing to let God guide our path? We need to do what he leads us to do so our lives will get better. The key is obedience, which I definitely had not mastered at this time. Today I am better at listening to his voice guiding my path.

 

I was still trying to do it all on my own. Then one night as I was in pain from my back slipping out I was complaining to God.  I was saying I asked you for help and why is my life still a raging river of issues lies and deception by those around me. No reply he went silent.

 

I was switching through the channels and hit on TBN. How funny TBN seemed to always come on at the right time as a child and now here they are again in my adult life disasters. This could not be coincidence. Joyce Meyers was on and she was not your typical preacher. Joyce was honest tough and straight forward that night she had made and impression on me. I knew I had to go through a transformation in my mind if I want my life to change. If I wanted my sons life to have a different out come I needed to change to be a good example to him. This was no easy feat. I had to grow from a complaining fearful scared woman; to a strong warrior in the Lord full of trust and belief that he will never fail me as so many have in the past. I heard “Flesh may fail you but I never will”. Once again hearing voices in my spirit was a bit scary and new but I still did not know it was the Lord.

 

 

In 2006 I started to become ill I had no idea what was happening. My back would not hold and was constantly causing horrific pain. I worked through it, as I did not want to admit I was sick. I was told in the 80s I had rheumatoid arthritis in my knees and hands and throughout back with lupus and raynaud’s thrown in for more pain.  One day while going to lunch my legs gave out and I fell. I had no choice but to go to the doctors. After a lot of tests I had 14 autoimmune issues attacking my body. It was progressing fast and I had no control over it.  Over the next several years I had a brave face on for my son. I found out later during all of the illnesses and meds that food fear and stress were the root of all this.  The pressure to be strong and stay alive for my son was a daily battle in my day-to-day life and these illnesses were wearing me down physically and mentally from the excruciating pain night and day it never let up for a second. Where was God? Why was this all happening to me? It seemed I could never grasp peace and comfort let alone tranquility always seemed out of reach and I was weary from it all at this point.

 

I pushed forward and ignored the diagnoses. I did start the meds to try to control my issues with a rheumatologist. But the pain raged on and bones were popping out of my hands and ankles.  My muscles were twisting from muscle spasms.  By 2006 I was going down hill fast. I was under so many challenges and fear of losing my job and trying to work from home. I held it at bay for a while but by 2008 I was spiraling down and had no way to get out. The pain and loss of income which once again was becoming an issue and that was one of the worries I had, becoming homeless again. I was glad my son was in college he would not have to see me decline and I kept to my self like a recluse. During this time of laying in my bed feeling sorry for myself and alone I started to contemplate suicide once gain

 

By this time I had to admit I was sick I could not get out of bed my shoulders kept popping out I couldn’t even wash myself in the shower it was so painful.  By now I wanted out I wanted to die and be out of this pain and the world.

 

My son was grown and so many loved him I knew he would be ok if I checked out of this world.  I didn’t think he cared and felt hopeless. Day and night I laid in the bed on 38 medications and supplements to combat the side effects.

 

What I didn’t know then was I had to give up on trying to do it on my own and give it all to the Lord.  It had to be this way in order for change to come in to my life and heart. I was so stubborn and angry I would not give God a chance I kept blaming him and everyone else.  After all He could reach down and fix it all if he wanted to. I guess I wasn’t good enough or had done so many things in my life that I was not worth saving.  I was listening to the lies of the enemy who wanted me down depressed and planting the thoughts of suicide once again.

 

I just wanted out so many flashbacks and memories of childhood followed me like a lion stalking its prey and the evil one was relentless. Always telling me I was no good I screwed up and no one would love me. I would be homeless and hungry again. I had no one who wanted to help as I began to withdraw into a deep depression once again.

 

I could not see goodness or love. I didn’t trust anyone including God.  It was so dark I felt like I was a prisoner in my own mind and could not escape the dark thoughts that never stopped beating me over the head of my past. I blamed everyone including God for it all.

 

I began to plan my demise. I went over the past attempts that failed and I was determined to get this right finally. I sat in my room for days in contemplation. 

 

Then one night my son and his friends from college called and they all sang Momma by Boys to Men and after the call I sobbed for hours. I thought for a second my son does love me and I would be missed if I took myself out.

 

But the body and bone pain and the thoughts took over once again. I would hear your no good to him (my son) anymore; you’re holding him back. Because of my past life I believed it, I was listening to the enemy not God. I gave too much of my life and thoughts to the enemy. It was his voice I was hearing over the Lords, as I was in the darkest depression in my life and I was all by myself, alone with no one to help me, or so I thought.  

 

It took me a while to give up my mindset for the Lords mindset and it began in 2009 when I was at the end of my rope and I was determined to end it and be done with this life. But God had another plan for me that I had no idea about.  Jeremiah 29:11

 

I was sitting in my room It truly was a war room, day and night I was in there crying out of my mind as some days were full of darkness and I was in a battle for my life or death which ever was to come I didn’t care anymore. I just wanted off this crazy train I called my life. I was on a constant rollercoaster up and happy down and depressed.  I wanted to die this was no way to live anymore. I was bound and determined to get it right.

It was then the Lord said to me in my heart “Do you think you’re worth less to me than the dust I created you from I breathe life into you”. Gen 2:7 I thought to myself great I am now hearing voices I am loosing it for sure. But in actuality the creator of the universe and all we are thought enough of me to come and get me.  I guess he was tired of listening to me complain and be lost, or maybe I was ready to finally hear him and listen.  I think back now and know if he did not knock me down completely I would not have been able to hear him through my own pride ego attitude and most of all the pain and anger from my past and in my body that never let up. I always thought and spoke into the world that as long as I had a job with good money and a roof over my head I did not need anybody. I was wrong I needed a loving father and the Holy Spirit to save me, as I could not.

 

I was so far from the truth it wasn’t funny I thought I knew it all. But once I came to the Lord I was truly repentant and broken my human spirit is ready to receive something new. It was then I felt so ignorant as I lived in a material world while my spirit was dying.

 

As I began to learn of the Lord a whole new world opened up to me. I left TBN on every TV in my home so Gods words from Paul and Jan Crouch were now in every room speaking the word of God twenty four hours a day. I thought this way God was in my home and the enemy couldn’t get to me. This went on for years what did I know, this was my way of fighting back. It worked for me but this was only the beginning.

 

 In early 2009 I was led to go to a local church on James Island. As I sat there I asked the Lord what am I doing here and why this church He said, “Because I am here” Okay, I was not going to argue with the Lord. I volunteered in the rec center every Wednesday and read the bible cover to cover during the time there. I was involved in a church for the first time. Funny the church congregation did not accept me only a few befriended me, but I was allowed to volunteer anyway.

 

Trying to read the bible frustrated me because I could not retain anything my mind was mush from all the meds and illnesses killing my mind and body from pain over so many years. I was still in confusion and we know God is not the author of confusion. I actually felt a battle around me night and day for my mind and soul. 

 

My life became like good cop bad cop One saying your nobody why would God help you, The other voice saying I love you my daughter come to me and choose life.

 

Once I was baptized into a born again relationship with Jesus Christ. I felt so amazing after baptism I felt free and light. This to quickly passed as now the real work began to unclutter unpack and toss out the old person I was excited to become this new creation in Gods family.  Only issue was I had no Idea what it meant to be in a relationship with God or anyone else.

 

Once I said the sinner’s prayer and I had an honest talk with myself. What was I holding on to? I obviously needed help but what can invisible God do for me? 

 

I rolled along in my depression for many years still thinking I had to do something for the Lord so he would forgive me or help me. I was so wrong and very far from the truth that so many churches preach and teach. Growing up I had become disenchanted with all churches and really did not want to go into a church with all those judgmental people who pretended to be holy. After all where I came from and all I had done I thought every Christian could see my shame guilt and mistrust.

 

I started to read the bible and prayed constantly for the Lord to show me the way and to the Journey home to be with him.  I sang and I prayed I thought that was all we had to do. Oh boy did I have an awakening.

 

Taking the Lord into my heart and accepting Jesus for my Lord and savior meant I believed. I believed he came to this earth as a human being to be the last and pure sacrifice for all mans sins. He came this way to experience all of the trial hardships and emotions we feel. After all how can anyone be slain for those you don’t know. He became flesh so that he could overcome all we as fleshly humans deal with daily in our hearts and minds. He had to deal with being loved and hated. He felt sadness; and loss, and betrayal by those who were his disciples and those who pretended to love him. Jesus came to save us from ourselves by knowing how we think feel and deal with issues. He could understand why it is so hard for us to be a perfect creation. Which we will never be the perfect creation until we leave this earthly body behind and step into the spirit of God when we die. We can try to be the best representation of Christ while we are here on earth.  Will we arrive or have all of the truth and knowledge of our father? No because truly we are limited by our minds past and fleshly bodies.  I struggled daily to change to conform to what I thought God wanted me to do. Isaiah 55

 

In reality all we need to do is believe and have faith in Jesus and what his resurrection meant to all of us. He came to save us not condemn us, we do a great job of that all on our own. Jesus was the last sacrifice for all our past present and future sins. That doesn’t mean accept Jesus and continue to live in sin. It means we have to let him clean us up from the inside out of our minds and heart. I certainly cannot do this on my own due to the memories in my brain and heart. God has wiped out most of the memories that were bad from my past so I can now see the good in those that hurt me.

 

I honestly don’t know his kind of love a love that would die for a bunch of complaining hateful people. The love he had was quickly turned to hate by false rumors and the lies told to the people that led to him being brutally murdered by his own people. He came as the lamb to take the sins of the world away so we can be healed from sickness and all other issues we deal with on this earth. The last lamb to be sacrificed once for all mans past present and future sins. He knows us better than we do. We now have the opportunity to have eternal life in heaven if we believe in what Jesus did for us and why he had to do it.

 

Funny how this is all repeating itself as we who love the Lord are frowned on and berated for being judgmental and unforgiving. Yes there are those people in many churches who judge while a log of a plank is in their own eyes. This is not what the Lord came to earth to accomplish. He came to bring peace truth healing and a chance for us to start over being baptized in to the spirit.

 

How is one born again? I get this question a lot. For me being baptized at birth in a catholic church. I was baptized in the flesh born from a woman without a choice to be baptized or not. When we are older we make the commitment to be baptized and born again, we are making a dedicated decision. When we are baptized as infants we do not have the capability to choose it is the ritual we go through as Catholics. But when we are born again we make the conscious decision, as we have to choose this relationship to the Lord God. The Lord will not force us to choose him. This is called free will. When man was created God did not want a forced love from his creation. He wanted a pure love and for that we have to choose to become Born Again.

Our God is the only one that died to save us. All other gods want you to die for them, or make sacrifices to the gods or their saints for help.

Our Father Yahweh and Yeshua (Jesus) along with the Holy Spirit are the trinity.

 

The trinity Is simple to me because of how it was explained to me by Jesus. When we were created father God and Jesus were already in heaven, as they always existed as spirit beings.  When man fell after Adam and Eve God had to watch his children run wild and crazy doing evil in all areas. The different tribes had sacrificed pure creatures to cleanse their evil deeds, but it did not work. So when God had had enough he made a way where there wasn’t a way for us who loved him could be saved. If it was left up to us no one would make it to heaven as we all have sin in our hearts. Those who think they don’t are deceived. Some don’t want to accept the Lord because they don’t want to stop doing deeds that are not good in the eyes of the Lord. Then there are those that think they are sinless and do no wrong so they don’t need repentance or the help of a loving savior. One day after I heard Tim had died I said to the Lord wow after all this man has done he had changed to accept the last rites and want to go home to heaven. I heard the Lord say “you will be surprised by who is here and those that are not”.  Don’t get me wrong even after we are saved and baptized we can still go astray and be lost. Thank God he knows our hearts as in the flesh we will fail daily I know I do.

 

In order to change our ways, wants and habits and learn to walk by faith under the wing of a loving God there has to be radical mind shift. This is when Jesus had to become the last living sacrifice to save man once and for all. By Jesus coming and dying and being resurrected, all and I mean ALL of our sins sicknesses and poverty and lack were now overcome by Jesus’ death and resurrection.

 

So now Grace overrode Law. Those in charge in Jerusalem were so afraid of losing their power and all the riches they had. His own people condemned him put him to death. We born again are under his grace from the cross. Does that mean we have a license to sin and repent like a revolving door? NO. It means we have accepted Jesus death and resurrection as our way to be able to enter heaven. Jesus stands up for us in the gap to our Father. I say Yahweh sees us through the holes in Jesus’ hands. By belief we trust in faith to choose life and heaven. The bible is a playbook to me it is our basic instructions before leaving earth (BIBLE). It is the word and direction of a living loving God who wants none of his children to perish.

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